I love her, but I can't be selfish
by ElStark
Summary: Bellamy is in love with Clarke and Octavia calls him out in it, and they have loong conversation about it for Bellamy's great pleasure [insert sarcasm here]. Idk, It just kinda of happened, they had this conversation in my head while I was showering, and I had to write it.
1. Chapter 1

**I love her but, I can't be selfish**

Bellamy was minding his own business when her little sister came bursting through his tent flap door for then stop abruptly in front of him. A small smile playing on her lips. The kind of smile, that he knew so well and never brought good news. At least for him.

She made a big show of looking around and then sat on his bed like she had all the time in the world

"So, tell me big brother.." She looked at him with gleaming eyes "When exactly, did you realize you were in love with Clarke?"

"What? I don't know what are you talk-"

"Oh please," She rolled her eyes "Cut the crap, Bel." she fixed him with a look "You're my brother, and I known you my entire life, hell, a couple of months, you were the only person I knew besides mom.. So I'm pretty confident when I say who gets my big brother's attention, and Clarke? She gets a lot of your attention.. Like a Lot. And-"

"Fine!" He interrupted before she could add something more.. _incriminating_.

She stared at him with a raised eyebrow.

Damn her and her ability to call him out on the crap..

He rubbed his palms on his face, already weary from the whole thing, and peered at her. She wasn't going to let him off the hook, not with that expectant look on her face.

He sighed.

Looks like it's gonna be a long night..

Bellamy huffed dropping his hands "God, you're so annoying sometimes.."

His sister smirked "Well, I am your sister after all.."

He snorted and then sighed again, looking down at his hands.

"I'm not in love-"

She huffed annoyed and made to say something, but he cut her off with a 'let me finish' glare. Octavia shut her mouth and gestured to go on.

He shook his head "I can't believe I'm telling you of all people" Octavia's eyebrows shot up so quickly that he wondered if it had hurt.

"And, who else you'd talk to about your feelings, huh?"

Mhm..

She had a point. It's not like he had many friends here.. And certainly he didn't have anyone to talk to about his feelings..

Damn her again. When did her little sister became so insightful?

He sighed _again_ and sat on the chair across his bed.

"Okay then.. Well.." He took a deep breath and then burst out "God, I don't know!" he felt the urge to bang his head on something, because seriously, he didn't have any idea on how to do this.

He took another deep breath and focused on something he couldn't see. "I don't know what I'm feeling.. I just know that one day, I didn't give a shit about her and the next thing I know was that she was so much more than a wristband to me.." Octavia rolled her eyes, maybe for his attempt to use as much metaphors as possible. He ignored her and continued. "Something shifted.. But I'm not sure when.. Of course our relationship changed when we decided to become leaders.." He frowned lost in his thoughts "When they disappeared and Finn and I started our search.. I felt like Clarke was influencing my every choice.. I guess she rubbed on me.." he smiled still frowning "but she wasn't there and when the realization hit, It felt very..wrong."

He looked up, Octavia face was soft, her voice even more tender then he expected "You missed her."

He snorted "I feel like that doesn't even begin to cover it.." it slipped out before he could stop himself and when he looked again at his sister, her smile grew in a proper grin.

Great.

Now she would never let him live out of it. "Well, I think you should tell her.."

He scoffed. "Right. Like that's gonna happen" his words dripping with sarcasm.

"Oh Bel, Why not?!"

He looked at her disbelievingly "Why not? I could write a book of reasons why I shouldn't tell Clarke Griffin how I feel about her!" he hissed.

She rolled her eyes. Again. He wondered distractedly if her eyes would pop out, if she kept doing it..

"Name one."

"She doesn't feel the same way."

Octavia made a face "Please. You're really blind if you cannot see it.."

"What do you mean?"

"The way she hugged you when we came back, and after when she literally had to tear her eyes off of you to hug me.. That's the way I'd hug Lincoln.." He noticed her weaver at the thought of having lost him probably forever, and when he spoke it was his turn to soften his tone.

"Then, if she really feel the same way.. Well, that would be another reason to keep my distance.."

Her sister wasn't the only one that had thought of that hug.

Oh, he thought about it a lot.

The way the world, in that moment, had narrowed only on her. The way he felt her arms tighten around his neck like she was afraid that he would disappear, the same fear that had caught him off guard when he wrapped his arms around her. Or the feel of her lips gently brushing on his neck. He thought about that a lot. He almost drove himself crazy imagining how those very lips would feel against his. And then there was the look on her face, full of wonder.. He's pretty sure he had a similar look on his too.

By then Octavia had regained her composure and looked his brother in the eye

"Why?"

"Because.." He exhaled. And let his shoulders drop in defeat. He had thought about it so many times that he almost felt relieved to finally be able to talk about it.. "Even if the adults technically, relieved us from having any responsibility.. We will always feel some kind of duty towards the hundred.. Or whoever remains of them.." he added sadly. "When she closed the drop-ship door, it was the best thing for the group and she did it because she knew that..Even if doing so meant that she had to leave others out.." He frowned "I would've done the same thing.. But if we get together and that same kind of decision come again, I think I could never do it.. No. I _know_ I wouldn't. And this means that I'd have to put everyone else in danger. I'm not allowed to be selfish, they see me as their leader. I'm supposed to do what it's right for the group." He concluded looking up.

Octavia looked mad. Actually _really_ mad.

She got up so fast that he jumped on his seat.

"Bellamy Blake that is the most screwed up reason you could _EVER_ come up with! Are you even listening to yourself?!" She almost screamed the last bit. And he couldn't do anything but stare, taken back from her reaction.

Before he could respond though, Octavia continued in a more calmer tone. "So, according to your.. _Reasoning_" she spat the word in a way that made you think that it was an incredible effort for her to concede it "..If right now would happen something, you would think what is best for the group, and not of Clarke? You'd leave her if that choice came _now_?"

He looked at her bewildered

"Of course not!"

Octavia looked at him expectantly, and when he still said nothing, she threw up her hands exasperated

"Oh my god, I can't believe it" she shook her head "You really don't get it, do you? Did you hear yourself? You just said you Wouldn't! That means that you're already too late! Since the moment you realized that you love her, you're always gonna think of her first!-"

"That's not tr-" Octavia rolled her eyes

"Besides me, of course, I know, thank you, that's not the point! What I'm trying to get in that your damn head, is that.." she paused searching for words.

And then it hit him. Bellamy got what his sister was trying to tell him. And it came like a slap. He was already too late, no matter what, Clarke would have priority over the others, like Octavia always have had.

"Shit.. I think I get it now.."

She looked surprised "You do?" Bellamy crossed his arms across his chest

"Yes, it's too late for me.. But not for her.." Octavia frowned

"What do you mean?"

"I can't put her in my position.. Someone between the two of us must stay.. detached"

Octavia didn't say anything. She stared at his brother for a long time and then shook her head, turned and made her way to the exit of his tent, but just before she went outside she stopped and looked over her shoulder "You're an idiot, if you think she doesn't feel the same as you.." and with that she left him more confused than ever.


	2. A statue for Octavia

**A statue for Octavia**

Octavia strode past everything and everyone without seeing, lost in her thoughts.

Why was he doing this to himself?

Didn't he see how lucky he was?

Given the kind of life they were living these days, he should've lived every moment at the fullest, and not hold back like that.

She stopped in her tracks and looked up. She was in front of Clarke's tent.

Octavia hesitated, if there's was anything she wanted as much as finding Lincoln, was seeing her brother being finally happy.

He'd done terrible things, but he was making up to them every day, and he deserved something good in his life.

"Octavia!"

She jumped surprised and turned around, to where the voice came.

Clarke smiled "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you"

Octavia stared, her mind blank. Where the hell did she come from?

"Are you okay?"

That snapped her to the present time and smiled back "Yeah, sorry.." she said noticing the fabric that Clarke was using to rub her hands

"I was helping my mom.. There're many injured people and not enough medics.. My experience on the ground made me kinda competent.." Octavia nodded and took a deep breath

"I have to talk to you."

Clarke frowned "Is Bellamy okay?"

She couldn't help it, she grinned and nodded, Clarke's frown eased and smiled back at her "Then, let's go inside" she said pointing to her tent.

Octavia ducked under the flap door and waited. The space was pretty much the same as any other tent, a bed and a chair in a corner, except for the fact that Clarke's chair was put beside the bed, so to be used as a bedside table, on which were a notebook, from which some kind of greenery could be seen coming out from the pages, and her father's watch.

"So.. What's going on?"

Octavia turned to face the other girl.

How was she going to do this?

She decided to go straight to the point. She just hoped to not make things worse..

"You know, it's funny that you brought up my brother earlier.. 'cause I want to talk to you about him.."

Clarke nodded and frowned again "Okay.. You said he's okay though, right?"

Octavia nodded "It's not that.. It's just.. Well, you know how he is.." The frown deepened, if that was even possible, and O exhaled, so much for going straight to the point..

"Well, I know how he can be an ass sometimes.."

Octavia laughed "Yes! Exactly! He can be a real dick when he wants to and sometimes even when he doesn't.. Is just how he deals with things.. You know?"

Clarke had a knowing smile "Yeah, I know, I happen to spend a lot of time with the guy.. I mean because he's my co-leader."

Octavia smiled as she noticed the flush creeping on the blonde's neck. But then sobered as she thought of what she was going to say next. "Well, sometimes he can do it to himself.. He can be his own worst enemy when it comes for his happiness."

"Yeah, I noticed"

"You did?"

Clarke smiled but it didn't reach her eyes "He looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.. I can relate to that, and he seems so angry and sad all the time, I know because I feel the same way, but I just wish for something good to happen.. He needs it, well, we all need it.."

Octavia fought back the tears that were threatening to fall.

She was sure now. She could see it before but in that moment she lost any doubt.

Clarke loved his brother, and she'd be damned if she didn't do anything about it.

She stood up and walked to the other girl "Clarke," she waited for the her complete attention and continued "I'm gonna asks you a question now.. I want you to be a hundred per cent honest, no judgment, no anything, just the truth." Clarke looked slightly worried but nodded anyway. "Okay.." Octavia took a deep breath "..do you have feelings for Bellamy?"

Her eyes widened and then scowled, she was going to say something but Octavia held up a hand

"Don't answer me, just think about it. I just want you to know that my brother.. Well, he's a dumb-ass as a matter of fact, he thinks that he's doing you a favour by not telling you, he thinks if a though leader-type decision would come, not being involved would make your decision easier.."

Clarke's scowl transformed in a frown again "Decision on what?"

"If the 'drop-ship door' came again, would you still leave him out?"

The question was asked deadpan, Octavia didn't betray any emotion.

Clarke on the other hand felt like she wanted to scream her head off, as the memories of that day came back, well, not that she didn't think about it every day, she just learned how to live with it, _his_ presence in the camp relieving some of the pain that she'd been through before she'd found him.

What made Clarke want to run away screaming was the possibility of something like that happening _again_.

Of course she couldn't do it.

She knew she would have to as it was what was expected of her, but she also _knew_ that she would _never_ do it _again_.

She shook her head and exited the tent, tears already streaming down her face.

She kept her head low and kept walking until she was in front of his tent, and ducked inside without warning.

He was laying on the bed and jumped in a sitting position as he saw her.

"The hell is wrong with you guys? Ever heard of knock-" he stopped in his tracks as he did a double take at her, noticing her tear streaked cheeks.

Quickly, he stood up and walked over her, a worried frown on his face "What's wrong?" he asked taking her face in his hands.

Clarke blinked the tears that were pooling in her eyes and sneaked her hands between them to throw them around his neck, forcing him to let go of her face, and instead rest them on her back.

He had a sense of dejavu as he remembered their first hug, only this time she was crying and instead of feeling happy and relieved like that time, he now felt a knot in his chest as he didn't have any idea on what was upsetting her.

He made soothing sounds as he rubbed her back.

"I.. Bellamy, I can't" she choked out after a while, still holding tight to him.

He pulled back and took her face in his hands again, "Tell me what's wrong, princess" Her face crumpled as she shook her head.

He felt his gut twist helpless as he watched her "I can't.. I can't do it again, Bellamy" she sobbed out.

"Do what, Clarke?" his face was so close to hers that all she could see were his eyes and the wrinkles on his forehead as he frowned, and tears kept falling as she took in the worry and sadness in them.

"I can't close that door again" she shook her head forcefully "I won't! I can't lose you again" she whispered, her voice shaking.

Realization of what she was talking, or _crying_ about hit him hard, and for a moment he could only stare. But her shaking form quickly snapped him out of it and he pulled her in his arms again, resting his chin on the top of her head, so that he was completely wrapped around her.

"Oh, Clarke" he let out a shuddering breath. This wonderful, amazing woman was crying for him, because she couldn't bear the thought of losing him again. "God, I love you so much" he blurted out without thinking and immediately cursed himself after he felt her tense.

After a moment she pulled back and looked up at him, he tried to smile as he thumbed away the tears, mentally still cursing himself

"You do?" he made a sound between a beginning of laugh and an intake of breath and smiled awkwardly "Yeah, I definitely do" no point in lying, he was sure, it was all written in his face anyway.

He had a hard time after, on understanding what was happening, a moment earlier he was feeling an utter idiot for blurting out the infamous three words and the next he was feeling completely delirious as he felt the pressure of her lips on his.

He staggered back a little for the force that she put in it and after half a second of hesitation he pulled her closer, encircling her waist with one arm and sneaking the other hand through her hair.

She gasped as he fell backwards to sit on his bed and brought her on his lap, so he took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, parting her lips with his bottom one and sneaking his tongue in.

He felt her shiver and he brought her even closer untangling his hand from her hair and bringing it to press on her back with the other.

When they parted for air, he almost felt dizzy and when he looked up at her, she had a dreamy smile on her face.

Something moved inside him, so he brought up his hands, moving his legs so to keep her balanced and cupped her face "I love you" he said with all the intensity he could muster in his voice, willing her to see the truth in his eyes.

She blinked back tears, brought up her hands to cup his face and kissed him lightly on the forehead, "I love you too" she breathed resting her forehead on his.

He let out a breathy chuckle and kissed the tip of her nose, a goofy smile on his face. Clarke pulled back a little, distractedly playing with some strands on the back of his head and noticed a frown slowly making its way on his forehead again.

"What made you think about that day?" he asked with a suspicious note in his tone.

Clarke smiled a little "let's just say that your sister may have paid me a little visit.."

Bellamy groaned and Clarke giggled while trying to ease the wrinkles on his forehead. When she looked down at his eyes, he was looking at her like she was the most beautiful thing he ever saw.

"You know.. I'm actually not sure if I should chase my sister and give her the lecture of the century or build a statue in her name to thank her.." Clarke laughed and kissed him again. When she pulled back, still smiling happily she said

"Nah, One's not enough.. I think _we_ should definitely build her _two_ statues".


End file.
